Not altogether specious?

You can think that your inspiration is gone sometimes because part of you is fighting so hard to make something Not Happen. I smile softly feeling the desolation, knowing that the level of resistance is somehow tied to the potential of a project.

It's also interesting how these things kick in those middle-of-the-night thoughts that I usually assume everyone has but are so disturbing we don't want to talk about them, share them, look at them, accept them. I mean, it's disturbing to ask, what in thee hell (that's a kind of Southern Indiana "thee hell") is my life for? What has it all meant?

Maybe other people never wake up and wonder that, but I doubt it.

I have an ingrained sense of obligation that leads the question to a place many others say ain't no good, like, "What should I be doing?" It assumes a hierarchy, a system of posts and jobs and tasks like an army. I'm told that the should is my SuperEgo talking. Perhaps. I remain skeptical.

But I accept as possible something else that I've been told: our deepest desires reflect and manifest God's will. Yeah, possible, but there's so many layers on top of that "deepest" thing, and our minds are so devilishly clever in fooling themselves, arranging things the way we want them and saying, that's God's will (or the equivalent phraseology for the agnostic or non-theistic). I mean, there's a million people thinking that it's God's Will that they kill their neighbors and take their land, or kill gays, non-believers, or whatever. T'was Ever Thus. It's no kind of guideline at all. Sure, they would say as they light fire to a house, this is my deepest desire, and it's also God's will.

What are we left with when all our cogitations lead us to the same "this can not be known" area of town? We need another method of making decisions, coming to clarity, sensing things - other than that thinking process. I come from a family of lawyers, and I practiced holding forth about and arguing for things I didn't actually believe, just for the exercise. This kind of decision making just takes in, at one end of the mechanism (something like a large piece of farm equipment) our initial premises, and then goes on to spit out some kind of conclusion. But those premises are often unconscious, if not altogether specious. Something often masquerades as a premise, i.e. "I want to make the world a better place," while covering up some other agenda.

I can say this: regarding clarity, progress is slow. Just Keeeep Working. What else is there to do?

Obviously I'm talking about making a movie.